None of you are going to like this post, but I'm posting it anyway to give you all fair warning.
Some of you may have noticed a significant drop in how chatty I am of late. Those of you who used to get PM'sd from me daily now talk to me more and more rarely. I post less on Facebook and just straight share more without adding my commentary. How I've just been slowly getting less and less my chatty mouthy self.
You all know I'm basically terminally ill. I suffer from a laundry list of ailments that, individually aren't lethal if properly treated, like my diabetes (which is actually well controlled), or my epilepsy, but that, altogether with my Porphyria and my Fibro mean it's only a matter of time before my life becomes physically unlivable.
I've spoken before about my daily thoughts of suicide just to escape the physical suffering I endure every day, that I keep fighting through it and don't kill myself so I don't hurt all of you.
Most of you though, have, and I'm certain it was not easy for you to say, given me your blessing to do what's best for me even if it results in your sadness. Even my own mother Trish, who has already outlived two of my brothers, has looked me in the eye and told me that she gives me her blessing to end my suffering when it reaches a point where I feel I just don't have it in me to keep fighting.
Well that point is getting very close. I decided awhile back that when I devolve to the point where the pain is so constant and excruciating and crippling that I;
- Can't move even the littlest bit without verbally reacting to the pain
- spend more of my days crying unmoving than doing ANYTHING else at all
- can't wipe my own ass properly
- Can't stand up straight
- Can't walk more than 5 feet without tears
- Can't cook even the simplest meals for myself without getting completely exhausted
- basically when I can no longer take care of myself or my pets without assistance
Well, that's when I start making sure all my pets have good loving homes, make arrangements for my body, make my goodbye videos for everyone I love and care about, and end my life on my terms while I still have some dignity left.
And I'm sorry, I truly am, but my health is declining worse than ever, more rapidly, and I genuinely believe that time is not very far away.
Wiping in the bathroom has become a struggle. I can still DO it, but not without tears. I struggle physically just to get out of my bed to go do anything. I have to give up my more involved cooking, as standing over the counter for the prep work leaves me screaming, sobbing and exhausted. Even simpler things like slicing cheese for grilled cheese sandwiches or beating eggs for scrambled eggs exhaust me now. My weight is going up again because walking hurts too much to go out every night anymore. Sometimes I end up in tears just reaching out to pet one of my cats. Everything hurts and it never eases up anymore. I used to have high pain and low pain days. I haven't had a functional low-pain day in weeks. And pain medication has no effect. My doctor recently upgraded me to HydroMorphine, the most powerful pain medication a doctor can legally prescribe in Canada. And it does NOTHING. So I've given up all hope of treatment.
I honestly don't know how much time I have left before I devolve to the point that I've described. It may still be months away. But we ARE talking months, not years. Unless something happens and my health takes a sudden and unlikely upswing, I'm almost out of spoons.
So I'm giving everyone fair warning now. I'm going to be recording goodbye videos for those who matter most to me and making arrangements for the DVD's I make to be mailed to those who matter. If you want such a video after I'm gone, I'm going to need mailing addresses. And if you want to be on the list of people to be notified afterwards, I'll need e-mails and/or phone numbers. Whichever you feel most comfortable with. And I'll be giving my mom these arrangements to make sure everyone who matters is on the list, so no one is left wondering why one day I just stopped talking to everyone.
If you want to be on my "Notification of my Passing" list, or to receive a DVD Goodbye video from me personally, please e-mail the appropriate contact information to firstname.lastname@example.org and you will be added to the list.
I love you all.