Careless Fraud Friday

Today I got a thank you from a known anti-gay bigot fruitloop in my e-mail. Strange that. Being thanked for shit I didn't do. This shit is WAY too funny, there was no way humanly possible I could NOT share this.

Quick Background first; Every week, Eugene Delgaudio, a small-time not-even-a-blip-on-the-radar anti-gay activist, sends a mass e-mail to anyone on his mailing list pleading for money to help him, as the self-appointed "Public Advocate of the United States", stop the evil homosexual lobby from passing things like "The Homosexual Classrooms Act". Yeah I know, I never heard of it either. He does this by telling bizarre,m weird, ridiculous fairytales designed to scare little old ladies into sending him their grocery money. Tales where he is the poor beleaguered hero whose life is constantly in danger because of evil violent gay men. According to him, he's narrowly escaped a warehouse full of earring sporting ponytail wearing mustachiod faggots and been beaned with a giant rock in his own home. It's like an old 30's serial, we tune in every week on Joe.My.God's blog to see the next exciting chapter!

So last week I clicked the link from Joe's to Eugene's website because Canada was mentioned. I looked at some of his fucked-up ramblings, laughed at his clear insanity, and left the website. And that is ALL I did. I didn't fill out ANY forms of ANY kind or click on anything about signing up for anything.

So imagine my shock when THIS just arrived in my inbox...

(Warning, this DEFINITELY will fall into tl;dr territory. The man is NOTHING if not longwinded.)

Dear Penny,

Um, how do you know my name? Do you moonlight as The Great Zucchini at the local fairgrounds?

Thank you for your recently signed petition. I am excited to know you are an American who is willing to take a stand for pro-family values.

The last petition I signed was to ask CNN to stop bringing folks like you on as "Conservative experts".

Here at Public Advocate, fighting for and defending the family values our nation was founded on is what we are all about.

Wasn't one of those values separation of Church and State?

If you are looking for a hard-hitting pro-family organization with a history of victories against the growing radical Homosexual Lobby, look no further than Public Advocate of the United States.

His victories are as imaginary as the Bills he's fighting against. And the 70's gay pornstars he fantasizes about getting beaten up by.

Founded in 1981, Public Advocate quickly took center stage as the nation’s leading family advocate with over 400,000 united pro-family activists.

His math sucks. He and his wife don't equal 400K. Unless he just repeats their names with different spellings ad nauseum on the staff page..

Time after time, Public Advocate has beaten back the attempts of the Homosexual Lobby to pass legislation aimed at making homosexuals a special class of citizens.

The only thing he's ever beaten back was his medication.

But, victories these days have been harder and harder to come by.

Hard to dwindle something you never had any of to begin with.

Which is why I so excited to have your signed petition!

I didn't sign a damned thing for you and I'll sue you into oblivion if my name appears on any of your crap.

With it, I will prove to Congress that the American people still hold traditional family values dear.

By commandeering the signature of a fat paegan hermaphrodite lesbian? Yeah let me know how that works out for you.

And if you believe the threat of the Homosexual Lobby is being blown out of proportion, think again.

The Religious Right? Blowing homosexuality out of proportion? THE HELL YOU SAY???

At this very moment, individuals and organizations with hundreds of millions of dollars that comprise the Homosexual Lobby are working to pass their radical agenda.

Ha, I WISH! We could afford nationwide TV spots to make fun of NOM.

Here are just a few names and organizations you may recognize: Tim Gill, Barney Frank, Pat Stryker, Jared Polis, Cindy and Meghan McCain, The Advocate, GLAAD, and the Human Rights Campaign.

All decent hardworking people. Well, except McCain's daughters. They just want to give Daddy a heart attack.

All of these people are working towards what they call “equal rights” for homosexuals, when in reality, the rights they are trying to acquire would be unique to homosexuals only.

So.... if we get the right to marry, somehow NO ONE ELSE will be allowed to? Hetero spouses will be kicked out of a dying spouses' hospital room? Straight white men will be routinely denied employment for being blonde and blue-eyed?

A Thought Control bill was just recently passed. This bill puts into law regulations that deem so-called “hate speech” as illegal.

I never heard of any such bill being pa.... ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD!!!

This has me worried, and I hope you are too. Because who is to say what language will be considered hate speech?

Pretty much anyone being advocated into jail or out of the country or just outright murdered for simply existing? That might be a start.

Don’t believe me? In Canada and Europe pastors have been thrown in jail for preaching Biblical teachings against homosexuality.

Nope. Not a one. Ever. I live here, trust me, if it had happened the National Post would be all OVER that shit. Conrad Black hates him some gay folks.

This very well may be the reality of Thought Control in the United States.

But I thought Pink Floyd was a British band?

I hope you know how serious this issue really is.

About as serious as your headwound from the giant rock you somehow survived being brained with?

Which is why, as President of Public Advocate, I have devoted my life to protecting family values and defending our freedoms.

By denigrating families that scare you and fighting to rob them of their freedoms. Seems counterproductive to me.

I want to leave a legacy I am proud of, knowing the United States is still the nation I grew up in.

No dear, that was Leave It To Beaver you're remembering. The USA was never ACTUALLY like that.

But without your support, this year alone we could see Barney Frank’s so-called “Employment Non-Discrimination Act” put into law.

*sighs* Only if they throw trans folk under the bus. And even then it's a stretch with this many republicans in congress.

We call this the “Gay Bill of Special Rights” because it doesn’t eliminate discrimination, it destroys workplace protection from radical homosexuals whose only mission is to spread their agenda.

You losing the right to be a dick at the office is not discrimination dear.

If passed, the Gay Bill of Special Rights would require workplaces to meet a quota of homosexual employees, forcing employers to choose a radical homosexual over a potentially more qualified candidate.

Good thing the gay folks are likely just as qualified. Because we're the same as anyone else that way.

And no workplace will be exempt. Churches, daycares, nursing homes, private schools, you name it, all will have to adhere to these regulations.

Only if they're taking government money. If you're taking government funding, you obey the law. If you want to discrimiate, do it on your own dime. It's not rocket science.

And Obama is even looking to push for the repeal of "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" this year, which would remove the protection our soldiers have from the Homosexual Lobby.

Aww, typing up all the thinly veiled gay erotica he sends out must have distracted him from watching the news of late, DADT has gone the way of the DoDo and Donald Trump's original hair.

And even the Healthcare bill is filled with numerous paybacks to homosexuals, giving lower healthcare premiums to “unmarried” homosexuals than married couples, all paid for at taxpayer expense.

Nah. Obama doesn't like gays THAT much.

I hope you understand this threat is real. . . and imminent.

About as real and imminent as the scary gay man supposedly camped out in your son's treehouse waiting to beat you up?

And I also hope you will consider making a donation to Public Advocate to help protect our family values.

Oh sure, let me go check my Swiss Bank account and get right on that.

Public Advocate will never waver from the firm conviction that political decisions should begin and end with the best interests of American families and communities in mind, and that marriage is a sacred union between one man and one woman.

You know, except when it's between one man and three women he bought from a farmer, or one rapist and his victim after he pays her father for damage to his property, all neatly found in that Bible you've clearly never actually read through.

Public Advocate has been 100% dependent on the financial support of contributors, we do not receive any government or taxpayer money, nor do we want it.

Because money that otherwise would have bought groceries and heating for some little old lady he terrified with bullshit is SO much sweeter.

I would appreciate it if you could help support Public Advocate by making a charitable contribution, please click here.

And I would appreciate it if you'd stick your penis in battery acid to insure you stay out of the gene pool but we can't always get what we want.

No matter the amount, be it $5 or $50 or more, every dollar you give is greatly appreciated and will go a long way towards defending our pro-family values.

As long as that family resembles the Cleavers. Any other configuration can go fuck themselves.

It is my hope to keep you up-to-date on the fight for pro-family values through email alerts.

Oh please do! I can supply my friends with material for the rest of my natural life!

There are some tough battles coming up very soon and I am going to need your help if we are to win.

Sure! I'd LOVE to help you denigrate my marriage and my loving relationship! Where do I sign up! Oh right, the phishing software hidden on your website beat me to it. Darn!

Thank you for your support.

Thank you for giving me clear evidence of computer fraud to forward to the FBI!

Sincerely,

Eugene Delgaudio
President,
Public Advocate of the U.S.

I officially declare myself president of the Fetlife Advocate Of Breast Gropings. W#ow that was easy! Now to terrify someone into giving me their lunch money.

P.S. Public Advocate is the leading force in defending the conservative pro-family values our nation was founded on.

And for over 50 years the World Wrestling Federation was the leading force in Sports Entertainment!

Please consider a donation to Public Advocate to help defend our pro-family values from the Homosexual Lobby's attacks.

I might if you WERE pro-family instead of pro-stealing my money.

Because Public Advocate of the U.S. lobbies to fight the radical agenda of the Homosexual Lobby, contributions are not tax deductible for IRS purposes. This email was not produced or e-mailed at taxpayer expense. Public Advocate's website is http://notgoingtolethimphishanyofyou.fucknugget

Awww, too bad for you then. I only donate to hateful bigots if I can declare it on my 502.

To help Public Advocate grow, please forward this to a friend.

I am, but I don't think you'll like the friends I'm showing this to you, they're all way smarter than you and have awesome built-in natural bullshit detectors.

Funny thing is, I visited his site near a week ago, but the e-mail said I was only added to his list today. Also, shock and awe, any attempt to reply to his spam gets a mailer-daemon error. Guess he doesn't like people calling him on his shit?